Ballymoney

There's something about revisiting old haunts. A bittersweet feeling in places that are loaded with memory - times that can never be revisited though the geography remains.

The long walk along the beach, scrambling over rocks, another stretch of sand, past the wrecked dredger and onward to the caves - the end of a long adventurous journey. Undertaken as a child it was a trek, a once-in-the-holiday expedition that would leave us tired and taking turns to ride on our Dad’s shoulders on the way back to home and tea. Today I stroll along and reach the once daunting destination in half an hour. The rocks still need to be climbed, but they are not so mountainous. The dredger is mostly gone, rusted away and washed out to sea. The caves are not so cavernous, and for many this stretch of shoreline may be a simple dog walk, good place to fish or take a dip in the perennially frosty waves. For me this place holds all the mystery and wonder of childhood summers spent with loved ones, heroes and equals alike.

It is nothing special, many would drive past without thought, or visit once and forget the name soon enough. But for my family it birthed great tomes of stories, phrases, nicknames, associations, and most importantly, a shared experience that forever binds us across time, distance and difference. This place is magical to me not because of it’s purpose or location but because of all it evokes for generations of my family – freedom, adventure, joy, friendship, family in it’s most remarkable form.

And it’s bittersweet because it couldn’t last forever – the very nature of returning means you left. People and places evolve, but the pull of memory transports people back and the place still holds traces of what it once held – wonder, love, innocence.

Each of us as different as our fingerprints...

Today I am feeling struck by the awesome and beautiful nature of God’s creativity. I’ve recently started working at a day nursery as a play assistant which is brilliant fun – I can’t really believe my luck that I’m getting PAID to have fun with little kids and encourage them to learn and grow. As part of my ongoing work training as a counsellor (only 6 months to go til I’m fully qualified, woop woop!) I’m also working with young children, but this time in a primary school one day a week doing play therapy with vulnerable children. I’m constantly reminded of how different each child is, how their characters, interests and concerns are so varied. With adults we can easily forget how unique and individual we are, when placed in categories according to age, gender, work, background, location, hobbies etc - it’s easy to feel lost in a big machine, conforming to societal norms and what’s expected of us.

I’m re-reading ‘Dibs’ at the moment, it’s a book by Virginia Axline which describes the process of play therapy so beautifully it’s not only a fantastic tool for those in the trade but also a real pleasure to read as a story. There’s a particular quote which is on my mind today and draws together all these thoughts of the various children (and adults too of course) that feature in my life. It’s about how individual we all are and how none of us can judge each other’s experiences or measure them against our own...
“For when horizons grow or diminish within a person the distances are not measurable by other people. Understanding grows from personal experience that enables a person to see and feel in ways so varied and so full of changeable meanings that one’s self-awareness is a determining factor”.

I believe in God the creator, who made each of us so incredibly unique – our looks, our talents, our hearts - and then when you add to that the individuality of human experience, it just blows me away! And that’s what I love about being a counsellor I think, it doesn’t matter what issues my clients bring to the therapy room, if they all had the same presenting issue they would still each be unique in themselves and have completely different experiences, reactions and meanings attached to that issue. Not only that but with each session they may find their feelings and responses change. And the part I REALLY love, each client finds their own path in their own time to work things out, it’s a fantastic journey to be alongside – challenging sometimes, interesting always, and hopefully, ultimately, worthwhile. And so I thank God today for each unique adult and child He’s created (including me!) with all their amazing gifts, troubles and complexities.

A Heart Full of Love

I haven't written on here in such a long time. I think I was filtering too much and although I had lots of thoughts which were probably blog-worthy (mostly on the bible, always good for creating thoughts that one!), I resisted putting anything down. I didn't want to sound too self-centred I think, but then today I've realised that of course it has to be a bit self-centred, this is a personal blog containing my thoughts so it kind of has to be about me!

Anyway, today I was reading The Shack by WM Paul Young for the first time and a revelation hit me about what's been going on in my life/head in the last few months. That book should come with a disclaimer!! in a good way I mean. It's fantastic and it's really opened my eyes, and I'm only up to chapter 7. I'm a counsellor and so I'm trained to be self-aware and introspective but God just really hit me with a whammy of clarity I wasn't expecting this morning. I started to weep (a sure sign that the Holy Spirit has touched me, as many of you know!) in an overwhelming mixture of relief, understanding, a little sorrow but also joy, praise and thanksgiving, and with my thoughts racing I picked up a pen to makes sense of it all and this is what came out:


God has given me a big heart full of love and right now I'm hurting because I'm not using it. For whatever reason I have begun to shut down recently and a lot of friendships and relationships that were so close and dear have felt superficial and shallow, even business-like. My compassion and caring has largely given way to a self-centred, self-preserving attitude and I can't begin to fathom why/how I've let this happen.

I'm trying to examine the past and I've realised that I've always been afraid to openly love (especially to my full capacity) for fear of being hurt, although internally I love easily and 'care too much'. I've labelled it 'fear of rejection' but today God has given me clarity to see that ultimately it comes down to having so much love that it can't be returned in equal proportion, because love is my gift, and others have theirs. It is hard, feeling unbalanced in relationship with those around you, and it has led to some feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy within me - "Why do I love them so much more than they love me?!"

I suppose this is how I have gradually, subconsciously come to distance myself in the last few months, for whatever reason a kind of numbness has crept in, and in doing so have not only removed myself from intimacy with those around me, but from God too. This 'self-preservation' comes from a place of fear and hurt, and as usually happens with these things, it has only perpetuated that state. The isolation I have built up around myself is not my natural state of being and so has only caused confusion, frustration and loneliness within me, because God built me to love.

He built me to love. Just as he put aspects of himself in each of us. The love I have for those around me is not unrequited, I know they care for me, I know I'm not un-lovable, but somehow with most people it doesn't seem to be to the same extent. This sounds negative, and I've felt it this way, but it really isn't. I have learnt something incredible today and if I can continue to believe in it and live by it I have a sense that I will be able to accept myself better, feel more comfortable in my own skin. Essentially I need to be brave and love recklessly, in the full knowledge that it may not be understood, accepted or returned, but do it anyhow!


My apologies if this makes sense to only me and 'Papa' (read the book!), but I had the strong sense that this needed to be shared. Please forgive me if you've felt I haven't really been open with/around for you, and pray for me as I try to break down a few personal walls! I'm hoping this revelation today will stay with me and strengthen my self-confidence and my relationship with God, as I attempt to return (and keep close!) to Him. I have a feeling this is a turning point but the next part is not going to be easy, not just in my walk with God but in finding the courage to let all that love pour out again! So please pray lots and in turn allow me to pray for whatever is going on in your lives too.

With LOVE(!) ~ J

And so back to reality

Everyone keeps asking me how it feels to be back in the UK and there's just no simple way to explain. I think my most common response has been "It's weird", because there's no way to really say how I'm feeling, not without launching into an in-depth conversation, and lets face it, politeness dictates that's not gonna happen! If I'm honest I now feel like I have a foot in two different worlds, existences that are so separate and I feel equally tied to, I can't let go of either and so I belong in neither.

I can't help but feel that even though I'm torn in two right now I am so lucky. This time last year I was looking at mortgages and therefore tying myself to a future grounded and a job I wasn't meant for. I was clipping my own wings simply because I saw those around me settling down and figured I should 'grow up' and do the same. I am so priveleged to have had my life turned around and my horizons broadened - even now as I'm terrified by what lies ahead I feel so blessed just because I have options and possibilities that simply hadn't occured to me before, I was too short-sighted to see my own potential.

And then the simple facts stand, even if I dont go into the details of how I feel I've been given a new path in life, I'm so blessed simply because I have a (relatively sane!) family to support me, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, and even if I can't find work, like the millions of people out of a job at the moment, I live in a country where systems are in place to ensure I will never die of a curable disease, I can claim money to help me survive, and where everyone is entitled to an education. It is now election year in the UK, so politicians are everywhere hurling insults at their rivals, putting forward their 'amazing' initiatives to fix the country. There's no denying that the global economy is in a sorry state, but I can't help but feel that whoever wins in May, whether they are focusing on the NHS or education, people in the UK will survive and thrive, which is more than can be said for a lot of people out there.

All I want for Christmas is......

..... a purpose in life???!


As Christmas approaches so too does my departure date and return to the UK just in time to celebrate a New Year. I find myself completely torn between two worlds and searching for answers that just aren't coming clear - where'e that big ol' neon sign when you need it eh?
I have come to realise that I'm not really ready for a long-term life out here just yet. Although it is everything I want, I don't have a particular purpose or talent which would warrant me staying here. All the minor practical skills I put to use back home such as computing, gardening, bodging the DIY etc pale in comparison to the abilities of those already here, and as for having a team role there just isn't a gap for a part-qualified psychotherapist with little experience of childcare and only a few short phrases of Afrikaans or Xhosa to her name! It takes more than a walking, talking driving license to really benefit this place.

It is hard for me to accept, but I cannot be selfish and keep coming back here, potentially taking the place of another who could give so much more, just because it makes me happy. I love this place, these kids (and adults!) dearly, but sometimes that's just not enough. I'm reminded of the story of the two women who both claimed they were mother to the same infant. In order to determine who was the true parent, the king demanded that whichever woman could pull the child out of a ring first would win. When the contest began, and the women started to struggle over the baby, it started to cry and one of them let go. She would rather see her child cared for by another than see it suffer - she was the true mother, and so was given her child back by the king. Perhaps the old saying 'If you love something let it go' is very apt here - I need to learn to let go of being here working for the charity and instead find something I can do from the UK which will be of more help.

Ever since I first heard of the work of Thembalitsha years ago I've felt this pull, this calling to help. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before and though I felt from the beginning that I was meant to go and do something in person I rationalised that that was just impulsive and foolish, that realistically all I could do was help fundraise from the UK. I now know I simply wasnt brave enough to take that step into the unknown and follow my heart, and although this year I was finally able to do that, and my time here has made me even more hungry for this life and determined to make positive changes in the lives of the people of Grabouw, I somehow fear I have missed my chance. I think I've spoken before about the sermon we had at Elgin United a while back where the pastor spoke about the Israelites spending 40years in the desert because they doubted, held back, and therefore missed their chance at the promised land. I can't help but feel that though God has given me such a heart and such desire for the work of Thembalitsha, because I did not trust in Him or in myself, because I delayed and doubted, I missed a certain path and now I have a long wait ahead of me, a harder road to follow in order to return here again.

This leaves me confused over what to do when I return to the UK, as my drive and determination to go back to college in January have faded as a result of the life I've found here. I am questioning everything and sadly finding no concrete answers. So yeah, I suppose for Christmas this year I'll be asking for courage, strength and clarity! :)

Feeling thankful for my faith

Since my previous brief run-down of life at VoH one of the boys who has lived in the unit since almost the very beginning (he was the 5th child placed here) has left us to go back and live with his family in the Eastern Cape. Of course this is fantastic for him and it is what we hope for all of the kids here, but we all miss him terribly. I am so happy for him that he is where he belongs, with loving family that are so capable of taking care of him and each other, but also feeling self-centered and very sorry for myself - I know you're not supposed to have favourites but I did have a particular soft spot for little O, and though we knew he'd be leaving his family came to collect him while we were all out helping at a local community day so it was a shock to learn he had gone. Going into his room and seeing the little name labels on his shelves and above his bed today really struck me and I truly felt that I was grieving for him, mourning the loss of him. It sounds silly and like I said, selfish, but the knowledge that he is so far away and that I am highly unlikely to ever see him again hurt me.

I was releived however, to remember an image that popped into my head in church a while back. I can't for the life of me remember what the sermon was on, or what bible verse was read, (I so wish I could!) but I was thinking about one of the kids from the townships, Jack Lee, and wondering what his future would hold, and hoping through some twist of fate I would get to see what kind of man he will become. Dwelling on this, I had this image of a banqueting table laden with food, like the kind you see in films set in ancient Greece or medieval England, where they have a real feast and everyone has a place around this long table. This could be linked in with what was being said as part of the sermon, I can't remember, but anyway, Jack Lee was standing on the other side of this table grinning at me (a sight not often seen!). And I just had this sort of revelation that it doesn't actually really matter if I see him again in this life, because I will see him in the next life, in God's kingdom, or at least I will have the knowledge of what happened to him, if he was happy. Now I am no great theologist, and I'm not about to start arguing the theories of the afterlife and heaven etc, but this sudden thought that occurred to me gave me great comfort, and it still does when I think of O, or the other children here, or anyone else I care for for that matter. I know enough to say that our dreams are not always achieved, we do not always find what we think we want or need, (including miraculous reunions!) but I find strength in the thought that even if I am never able to return to Grabouw again, it will not be the end of the bonds I have made here. Not for the first time I am grateful for my faith and how it allows me to stare into the unknown and find comfort rather than fear.

Officially the worst blogger ever!!!!

My apologies to those of you who have noticed the absense of blog posts, it is so easy to carry on with the busy day-to-day life and let these things slide! Each day is so busy and full of challenges both mental and physical that I find it hard to document the goings on without writing a novel! Plus without a particular inspiration to start with (as in previous entries) it's much easier to just let time pass and collapse into bed each night without attempting a post.

Anyway, excuses excuses! In short, life here is good. I have been doing the school run each day with our 3 eldest boys, and more recently including a previous resident of VoH, a 7 year old girl. It is never dull, quite apart from the kids picking the music and boogying along on the journey, there are usually a few extra pick-ups / errands added so every day is different! I also do a morning activity with the rest of the children at the unit (such as finger painting and song and dance time) along with my fellow volunteer and room-mate Fran. She arrived just over a month ago and we've become good friends, which is bloomin lucky considering most days our schedules are almost identical! So anyway, combine the mornings taking care of the children here with the big weekly shop for the unit, afternoon kids club on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and you've got a pretty packed week!

Of course this goes nowhere near explaining all the intricacies of working for a charity like Thembalitsha, or in a place like Village of Hope. There are ongoing issues with the children's medication, with their behaviour, trying to place them back with their families and for those who have already left we continue to monitor how they are doing back at home. Obviously I can't go into any detail without breaching confidentiality, plus I'd be here forever if I wanted to do it any justice and then I'd never get any work done! And anyway, that's just the children. The future of the Village of Hope will hopefully include projects which will benefit local youths and adults too, such as agricultural training, alcohol and drug rehabilitation - the dreams and visions of those who live and work here could expand this centre into a real beacon for Grabouw. It's just that pesky thing called funding, and the support of the local government, businesses and other NGO's that are needed to push things forward. Suffice to say it's complicated, and while I would love to delve deeper and understand more about how things run here (both in terms of the municipality and the inner workings of the charity) I know that my place is to do the more basic essential day-to-day jobs so that those already in the know can spend their time on more important matters. Besides, as they say, 'This is Africa', and as soon as you think you've solved one puzzle, the rules change, the goalposts move and although you may not be back to square one, you know you're not really on solid ground either.

P.S - Oh and some people have asked about the nickname 'Bandit' - it doesn't mean I've resorted to a life of crime to help fund VoH! I've simply had lots of fun helping with the wood chipping, and helping Arry fix the chainsaw, so between the old scar on my cheek and the chippers brand name 'Brush Bandit', the boys have come up with the latest new name for me :)