And so back to reality

Everyone keeps asking me how it feels to be back in the UK and there's just no simple way to explain. I think my most common response has been "It's weird", because there's no way to really say how I'm feeling, not without launching into an in-depth conversation, and lets face it, politeness dictates that's not gonna happen! If I'm honest I now feel like I have a foot in two different worlds, existences that are so separate and I feel equally tied to, I can't let go of either and so I belong in neither.

I can't help but feel that even though I'm torn in two right now I am so lucky. This time last year I was looking at mortgages and therefore tying myself to a future grounded and a job I wasn't meant for. I was clipping my own wings simply because I saw those around me settling down and figured I should 'grow up' and do the same. I am so priveleged to have had my life turned around and my horizons broadened - even now as I'm terrified by what lies ahead I feel so blessed just because I have options and possibilities that simply hadn't occured to me before, I was too short-sighted to see my own potential.

And then the simple facts stand, even if I dont go into the details of how I feel I've been given a new path in life, I'm so blessed simply because I have a (relatively sane!) family to support me, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, and even if I can't find work, like the millions of people out of a job at the moment, I live in a country where systems are in place to ensure I will never die of a curable disease, I can claim money to help me survive, and where everyone is entitled to an education. It is now election year in the UK, so politicians are everywhere hurling insults at their rivals, putting forward their 'amazing' initiatives to fix the country. There's no denying that the global economy is in a sorry state, but I can't help but feel that whoever wins in May, whether they are focusing on the NHS or education, people in the UK will survive and thrive, which is more than can be said for a lot of people out there.

All I want for Christmas is......

..... a purpose in life???!


As Christmas approaches so too does my departure date and return to the UK just in time to celebrate a New Year. I find myself completely torn between two worlds and searching for answers that just aren't coming clear - where'e that big ol' neon sign when you need it eh?
I have come to realise that I'm not really ready for a long-term life out here just yet. Although it is everything I want, I don't have a particular purpose or talent which would warrant me staying here. All the minor practical skills I put to use back home such as computing, gardening, bodging the DIY etc pale in comparison to the abilities of those already here, and as for having a team role there just isn't a gap for a part-qualified psychotherapist with little experience of childcare and only a few short phrases of Afrikaans or Xhosa to her name! It takes more than a walking, talking driving license to really benefit this place.

It is hard for me to accept, but I cannot be selfish and keep coming back here, potentially taking the place of another who could give so much more, just because it makes me happy. I love this place, these kids (and adults!) dearly, but sometimes that's just not enough. I'm reminded of the story of the two women who both claimed they were mother to the same infant. In order to determine who was the true parent, the king demanded that whichever woman could pull the child out of a ring first would win. When the contest began, and the women started to struggle over the baby, it started to cry and one of them let go. She would rather see her child cared for by another than see it suffer - she was the true mother, and so was given her child back by the king. Perhaps the old saying 'If you love something let it go' is very apt here - I need to learn to let go of being here working for the charity and instead find something I can do from the UK which will be of more help.

Ever since I first heard of the work of Thembalitsha years ago I've felt this pull, this calling to help. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before and though I felt from the beginning that I was meant to go and do something in person I rationalised that that was just impulsive and foolish, that realistically all I could do was help fundraise from the UK. I now know I simply wasnt brave enough to take that step into the unknown and follow my heart, and although this year I was finally able to do that, and my time here has made me even more hungry for this life and determined to make positive changes in the lives of the people of Grabouw, I somehow fear I have missed my chance. I think I've spoken before about the sermon we had at Elgin United a while back where the pastor spoke about the Israelites spending 40years in the desert because they doubted, held back, and therefore missed their chance at the promised land. I can't help but feel that though God has given me such a heart and such desire for the work of Thembalitsha, because I did not trust in Him or in myself, because I delayed and doubted, I missed a certain path and now I have a long wait ahead of me, a harder road to follow in order to return here again.

This leaves me confused over what to do when I return to the UK, as my drive and determination to go back to college in January have faded as a result of the life I've found here. I am questioning everything and sadly finding no concrete answers. So yeah, I suppose for Christmas this year I'll be asking for courage, strength and clarity! :)

Feeling thankful for my faith

Since my previous brief run-down of life at VoH one of the boys who has lived in the unit since almost the very beginning (he was the 5th child placed here) has left us to go back and live with his family in the Eastern Cape. Of course this is fantastic for him and it is what we hope for all of the kids here, but we all miss him terribly. I am so happy for him that he is where he belongs, with loving family that are so capable of taking care of him and each other, but also feeling self-centered and very sorry for myself - I know you're not supposed to have favourites but I did have a particular soft spot for little O, and though we knew he'd be leaving his family came to collect him while we were all out helping at a local community day so it was a shock to learn he had gone. Going into his room and seeing the little name labels on his shelves and above his bed today really struck me and I truly felt that I was grieving for him, mourning the loss of him. It sounds silly and like I said, selfish, but the knowledge that he is so far away and that I am highly unlikely to ever see him again hurt me.

I was releived however, to remember an image that popped into my head in church a while back. I can't for the life of me remember what the sermon was on, or what bible verse was read, (I so wish I could!) but I was thinking about one of the kids from the townships, Jack Lee, and wondering what his future would hold, and hoping through some twist of fate I would get to see what kind of man he will become. Dwelling on this, I had this image of a banqueting table laden with food, like the kind you see in films set in ancient Greece or medieval England, where they have a real feast and everyone has a place around this long table. This could be linked in with what was being said as part of the sermon, I can't remember, but anyway, Jack Lee was standing on the other side of this table grinning at me (a sight not often seen!). And I just had this sort of revelation that it doesn't actually really matter if I see him again in this life, because I will see him in the next life, in God's kingdom, or at least I will have the knowledge of what happened to him, if he was happy. Now I am no great theologist, and I'm not about to start arguing the theories of the afterlife and heaven etc, but this sudden thought that occurred to me gave me great comfort, and it still does when I think of O, or the other children here, or anyone else I care for for that matter. I know enough to say that our dreams are not always achieved, we do not always find what we think we want or need, (including miraculous reunions!) but I find strength in the thought that even if I am never able to return to Grabouw again, it will not be the end of the bonds I have made here. Not for the first time I am grateful for my faith and how it allows me to stare into the unknown and find comfort rather than fear.

Officially the worst blogger ever!!!!

My apologies to those of you who have noticed the absense of blog posts, it is so easy to carry on with the busy day-to-day life and let these things slide! Each day is so busy and full of challenges both mental and physical that I find it hard to document the goings on without writing a novel! Plus without a particular inspiration to start with (as in previous entries) it's much easier to just let time pass and collapse into bed each night without attempting a post.

Anyway, excuses excuses! In short, life here is good. I have been doing the school run each day with our 3 eldest boys, and more recently including a previous resident of VoH, a 7 year old girl. It is never dull, quite apart from the kids picking the music and boogying along on the journey, there are usually a few extra pick-ups / errands added so every day is different! I also do a morning activity with the rest of the children at the unit (such as finger painting and song and dance time) along with my fellow volunteer and room-mate Fran. She arrived just over a month ago and we've become good friends, which is bloomin lucky considering most days our schedules are almost identical! So anyway, combine the mornings taking care of the children here with the big weekly shop for the unit, afternoon kids club on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and you've got a pretty packed week!

Of course this goes nowhere near explaining all the intricacies of working for a charity like Thembalitsha, or in a place like Village of Hope. There are ongoing issues with the children's medication, with their behaviour, trying to place them back with their families and for those who have already left we continue to monitor how they are doing back at home. Obviously I can't go into any detail without breaching confidentiality, plus I'd be here forever if I wanted to do it any justice and then I'd never get any work done! And anyway, that's just the children. The future of the Village of Hope will hopefully include projects which will benefit local youths and adults too, such as agricultural training, alcohol and drug rehabilitation - the dreams and visions of those who live and work here could expand this centre into a real beacon for Grabouw. It's just that pesky thing called funding, and the support of the local government, businesses and other NGO's that are needed to push things forward. Suffice to say it's complicated, and while I would love to delve deeper and understand more about how things run here (both in terms of the municipality and the inner workings of the charity) I know that my place is to do the more basic essential day-to-day jobs so that those already in the know can spend their time on more important matters. Besides, as they say, 'This is Africa', and as soon as you think you've solved one puzzle, the rules change, the goalposts move and although you may not be back to square one, you know you're not really on solid ground either.

P.S - Oh and some people have asked about the nickname 'Bandit' - it doesn't mean I've resorted to a life of crime to help fund VoH! I've simply had lots of fun helping with the wood chipping, and helping Arry fix the chainsaw, so between the old scar on my cheek and the chippers brand name 'Brush Bandit', the boys have come up with the latest new name for me :)

Rain, rain go away...

No matter where you go in the world you can always talk about the weather. It's a nice safe subject, I wonder how many awkward silences have been avoided by a quick discussion on the chances of rain or sun? :)

Well, I've come to South Africa for the Spring/Summer season, but despite pleasant weather on the whole, we have had a couple of days where it has absolutely tipped it down, yesterday being one. Back home this would be, well, pretty much expected really, British summer and all that, but at worst it would be an inconvenience and you'd have to remember your brolly and raincoat to go out. Here when it rains like this for the people in townships it means stay inside. No kids clubs or soccer clubs run by us, because if the kids get wet, they stay wet and run the risk of getting ill. Think about it - no radiators to dry your clothes or warm you up, no hot shower (or running water generally!) to get warm or clean off mud. So unless it's essential to go out, you don't.

Remember the outrage in England earlier this year when the country pretty much shut down for a few days because it was snowing and there wasn't enough grit for the roads? I know it's not the same thing but imagine not being able to leave the house every time it downpours, and without any heating to keep you comfortable, or TV etc to keep you or the kids occupied. I don't want to sound like a cliche but seriously we do take so much for granted, and then love to moan when the slightest thing goes wrong! Here I find myself surrounded by people who have so little and appreciate every blessing they have, and I feel blessed to know them.

One of my favourite Christian songs is by man and wife band Alex and Jenny Legg called Shadow of the Cross. It speaks of the different perspectives taken by those living with and without faith, and tends to pop into my head on rainy days because of one line in particular...

"When it rains, you see another stormy day. When it rains, I see the power that rolled the stone away"

All I can say is I want to see more of that power here on Earth raining down and washing over peoples lives, fixing all the breaks and problems which seem so big and so set in stone at times. Talk about the big prayers hey? But if you don't ask you don't get! :)

Part of the Family

At the moment I’m reading “Letters to Malcolm Chiefly on Prayer” by C.S.Lewis. Having read the entire series of Narnia books recently (I had never read them all before and I recommend it to anyone – they speak to people of all ages!) I decided to stick with the same author to see how he wrote outside of fiction.

Admittedly I find some of his ideas a bit hard to grasp – for one thing he was a professor of English at Cambridge, and also these letters were published after his death in 1963, and presumably written quite some time before that, so not exactly using modern-day or easy to understand language! Having said that, a lot of the discussion (all be it only one side of a conversation, we don’t get to read Malcolm’s replies) is very relevant to today’s churches, of course prayer, and just life in general.

Something Lewis said in the last letter I read really spoke to me, and I’m still not entirely sure why, whether it’s message is for me or others. In debating whether prayer is better from your own mind, from written prayer/books or both he said:

“It takes all sorts to make a world; or a church. This may be even truer of a church. If grace perfects nature it must expand all our natures into the full richness of the diversity which God intended when He made them, and heaven will display far more variety than hell. ‘One fold’ doesn’t mean ‘one pool’. ”

This I do understand. A few years ago I was one of many of my congregation who were asked to speak about CGS at it’s 50^th anniversary celebrations. I spoke about growing up in the church etc, certain events that impacted on me personally, but there was one thing in particular that always sticks with me and I think defines our church absolutely. I spoke of how I love my church not because of the service structure, worship etc, but because we are a family. We care for each other, we love each other. We don’t always agree or get on, and it’s not always easy to live in harmony, but that’s what family life is like. We are Christian, but we’re human! :)

The more time passes here at VoH, the more I feel this same family atmosphere, although obviously in a completely different environment! We all have our different strengths, gifts and ideas to bring to the table, which isn’t always easy, but as Lewis so wisely observed, it is just as God intended! We are a strong team because of our diversity, and though I may not yet have a specific role, this thought is a comfort to me. Ok, so I’m not as confident as others or as capable in the same roles, but maybe that just means there’s another space somewhere in this team that’s Jess-shaped!

Whatever the case, I am finding my way here, doing the school run for our three eldest boys every morning, and I took one of the younger boys to the doctor (my first time!) this week. Poor K’s rash turned out to be chicken pox so I may have many more visits to the day hospital – as much as I want to get my head round the routines etc, I pray the rest of our kids don’t get it! I’m also involved in the kids clubs that run every week on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons for the township children, and I’m slowly expanding my Afrikaans vocab :)

So in short all is well and although I miss my family back home (in all it’s forms!) I am feeling more and more a part of another family branch out here.

Kids, Pigs, Ups and Downs

Unfortunately my second week at VoH did not start well, with me feeling a bit rubbish mentally, which made me really miss home for the first time, and feeling a bit of a loner (not that I was ever really alone, with the constant company of the VoH team, the kids here and at the clubs, and of course all the furry companions!) Anyway, having had texts from both best friend and sister arrive on my mob I felt better and more resolved to soldier through :)


Monday was the first holiday kids club for the township kids, and we spoke about the importance of health (The body is a temple etc), played some games and began to make the papier mache pigs - MESSY!!! :) Still, the kids really enjoyed themselves which is what it's all about, and I was reminded of all the funky dance moves to the praise songs I learnt last time and made a fool of myself joining in!
Tuesday was Maz's birthday so after a normal (what's that?!) working day (I was with the kids and starting off doing admin-y stuff for the unit) we all piled in the cars and headed down to Gordon's Bay for a walk along the beach and some fish and chips at Trawlers. The wind meant we got a bit whipped by sand but I thoroughly enjoyed having a paddle in the sea, and despite various cold/throat bugs in the team I think we all had a good time for Maz's birthday and Andy and Josh's last night.
Wednesday was another messy one as we put trotters and noses on the pigs (egg cartons) and did some major reconstructive surgery on some pigs where the kids hadn't quite got the idea on Monday. Andy and Josh left about halfway through kids club which was good as there was no big goodbyes or anything and it was straight onto the next task! Lisa, Daz and Seth were house-sitting in Somerset West all this week so I had the volunteer's accommodation to myself which was nice for a chilled out evening, but Tim and Maz made sure I wasn't alone and invited me to tea again which was lovely.
Thursday I was in the kids unit all day as they were short-staffed due to all the bugs going round at the moment, so that was fun but knackering! I love our kids so much but find it hard when there's so many people wanting love and hugs and a space on my lap, and I only have so many arms and legs! :)
Friday was the final holiday kids club where we painted the pigs and those whose had collapsed or who hadn't made a pig got to make newspaper pirate hats with me and paint them instead. The talk was on the environment and looking after God's world so I'd also been roped in to do a puzzle (there's always a competition between a boys team and girls team) which I think went quite well. Our eldest boy here, R (who took and is in my Facebook pic, for those of you that can have a look) came along to the kids clubs and loved making his pig and hanging out with all his school friends there, I will put up some photos soon so you can see him and his pig, and me wearing a very fetching newspaper hat :) Friday afternoon I took another of our boys, K, to his foster mum's house for the weekend. He is the sweetest little thing, with chubby little cheeks which I'm glad to say have stayed despite the fact that his tummy has slimmed down since I was here before. That all went smoothly thank goodness, as I had to explain about his meds for the weekend etc (again if I could just have a babelfish to speak Afrikaans/Xhosa it would be wonderful!) and then I went to run some errands including getting a film to watch that night. Now admittedly getting 30 Days of Night - a creepy film about murdering strangers coming to a small town and picking off the inhabitants - maybe wasn't the wisest choice given that I was home alone, but never mind, the strangers turned out to be vampires so it wasn't too steeped in reality and I just double checked I'd locked the doors when I went to bed! :)

The weekend was gorgeously sunny and hot so while Arry played cricket Tim, Maz and I took our three eldest boys to the beach on Saturday morning. It hadn't occurred to me that they'd probably never seen the sea or felt sand before, and it was a privilege to be there for this first for A & M. Poor A found it all very overwhelming, but gradually he let go of Maz and me, got used to the new environment, and by the end of the morning he was splashing in the waves with the others and making friends with the man selling ice lollies! As for me, it was such a joy to experience the beach through these little boys - why does it always seem that as time goes by we forget how much fun it was to do things like jump over a big wave, or build a sand castle?!

Sunday morning we had or first guest speaker as the Elgin United pastor is away in Ballymoney, N.Ireland (not Co.Wexford sadly) for three weeks. He spoke (with an amazingly deep, powerful voice - like Mufasa) on the adventure of following God, and how it takes trust and courage to do so, how we can't be 'In a rut without a gut' - if we don't take a leap of faith sometimes we can miss out on amazing rewards, like Moses and the Israelites who could've got to the promised land in 11days, but instead they doubted God's protection over them and it took them 40years! (Deuternomy) It definitely spoke to us, as the Walkers, and to a lesser extent me, have chosen to follow a calling, and in doing so have given up the securities of steady jobs, family, friends etc. But as my return to Grabouw must show, the rewards far outweigh the challenges, and never fear, one leap of faith does not mean we're done, you can't get complacent on an adventure! :)

Due to the glorious weather we had the first braii of the season for lunch (yum!) and then Maz and I went for a lovely long walk with the dogs through the surrounding hills which felt very cleansing for body and soul! Gazing across Grabouw on an amazing blue-sky day is both uplifting and sobering - such natural beauty in one direction, and in another such hardship and problems looking to be solved. Too much for a human of little brain like me to take in really!