..... a purpose in life???!
As Christmas approaches so too does my departure date and return to the UK just in time to celebrate a New Year. I find myself completely torn between two worlds and searching for answers that just aren't coming clear - where'e that big ol' neon sign when you need it eh?
I have come to realise that I'm not really ready for a long-term life out here just yet. Although it is everything I want, I don't have a particular purpose or talent which would warrant me staying here. All the minor practical skills I put to use back home such as computing, gardening, bodging the DIY etc pale in comparison to the abilities of those already here, and as for having a team role there just isn't a gap for a part-qualified psychotherapist with little experience of childcare and only a few short phrases of Afrikaans or Xhosa to her name! It takes more than a walking, talking driving license to really benefit this place.
It is hard for me to accept, but I cannot be selfish and keep coming back here, potentially taking the place of another who could give so much more, just because it makes me happy. I love this place, these kids (and adults!) dearly, but sometimes that's just not enough. I'm reminded of the story of the two women who both claimed they were mother to the same infant. In order to determine who was the true parent, the king demanded that whichever woman could pull the child out of a ring first would win. When the contest began, and the women started to struggle over the baby, it started to cry and one of them let go. She would rather see her child cared for by another than see it suffer - she was the true mother, and so was given her child back by the king. Perhaps the old saying 'If you love something let it go' is very apt here - I need to learn to let go of being here working for the charity and instead find something I can do from the UK which will be of more help.
Ever since I first heard of the work of Thembalitsha years ago I've felt this pull, this calling to help. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before and though I felt from the beginning that I was meant to go and do something in person I rationalised that that was just impulsive and foolish, that realistically all I could do was help fundraise from the UK. I now know I simply wasnt brave enough to take that step into the unknown and follow my heart, and although this year I was finally able to do that, and my time here has made me even more hungry for this life and determined to make positive changes in the lives of the people of Grabouw, I somehow fear I have missed my chance. I think I've spoken before about the sermon we had at Elgin United a while back where the pastor spoke about the Israelites spending 40years in the desert because they doubted, held back, and therefore missed their chance at the promised land. I can't help but feel that though God has given me such a heart and such desire for the work of Thembalitsha, because I did not trust in Him or in myself, because I delayed and doubted, I missed a certain path and now I have a long wait ahead of me, a harder road to follow in order to return here again.
This leaves me confused over what to do when I return to the UK, as my drive and determination to go back to college in January have faded as a result of the life I've found here. I am questioning everything and sadly finding no concrete answers. So yeah, I suppose for Christmas this year I'll be asking for courage, strength and clarity! :)
