I haven't written on here in such a long time. I think I was filtering too much and although I had lots of thoughts which were probably blog-worthy (mostly on the bible, always good for creating thoughts that one!), I resisted putting anything down. I didn't want to sound too self-centred I think, but then today I've realised that of course it has to be a bit self-centred, this is a personal blog containing my thoughts so it kind of has to be about me!
Anyway, today I was reading The Shack by WM Paul Young for the first time and a revelation hit me about what's been going on in my life/head in the last few months. That book should come with a disclaimer!! in a good way I mean. It's fantastic and it's really opened my eyes, and I'm only up to chapter 7. I'm a counsellor and so I'm trained to be self-aware and introspective but God just really hit me with a whammy of clarity I wasn't expecting this morning. I started to weep (a sure sign that the Holy Spirit has touched me, as many of you know!) in an overwhelming mixture of relief, understanding, a little sorrow but also joy, praise and thanksgiving, and with my thoughts racing I picked up a pen to makes sense of it all and this is what came out:
God has given me a big heart full of love and right now I'm hurting because I'm not using it. For whatever reason I have begun to shut down recently and a lot of friendships and relationships that were so close and dear have felt superficial and shallow, even business-like. My compassion and caring has largely given way to a self-centred, self-preserving attitude and I can't begin to fathom why/how I've let this happen.
I'm trying to examine the past and I've realised that I've always been afraid to openly love (especially to my full capacity) for fear of being hurt, although internally I love easily and 'care too much'. I've labelled it 'fear of rejection' but today God has given me clarity to see that ultimately it comes down to having so much love that it can't be returned in equal proportion, because love is my gift, and others have theirs. It is hard, feeling unbalanced in relationship with those around you, and it has led to some feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy within me - "Why do I love them so much more than they love me?!"
I suppose this is how I have gradually, subconsciously come to distance myself in the last few months, for whatever reason a kind of numbness has crept in, and in doing so have not only removed myself from intimacy with those around me, but from God too. This 'self-preservation' comes from a place of fear and hurt, and as usually happens with these things, it has only perpetuated that state. The isolation I have built up around myself is not my natural state of being and so has only caused confusion, frustration and loneliness within me, because God built me to love.
He built me to love. Just as he put aspects of himself in each of us. The love I have for those around me is not unrequited, I know they care for me, I know I'm not un-lovable, but somehow with most people it doesn't seem to be to the same extent. This sounds negative, and I've felt it this way, but it really isn't. I have learnt something incredible today and if I can continue to believe in it and live by it I have a sense that I will be able to accept myself better, feel more comfortable in my own skin. Essentially I need to be brave and love recklessly, in the full knowledge that it may not be understood, accepted or returned, but do it anyhow!
My apologies if this makes sense to only me and 'Papa' (read the book!), but I had the strong sense that this needed to be shared. Please forgive me if you've felt I haven't really been open with/around for you, and pray for me as I try to break down a few personal walls! I'm hoping this revelation today will stay with me and strengthen my self-confidence and my relationship with God, as I attempt to return (and keep close!) to Him. I have a feeling this is a turning point but the next part is not going to be easy, not just in my walk with God but in finding the courage to let all that love pour out again! So please pray lots and in turn allow me to pray for whatever is going on in your lives too.
With LOVE(!) ~ J
Monday, 26 July 2010
Monday, 4 January 2010
And so back to reality
Everyone keeps asking me how it feels to be back in the UK and there's just no simple way to explain. I think my most common response has been "It's weird", because there's no way to really say how I'm feeling, not without launching into an in-depth conversation, and lets face it, politeness dictates that's not gonna happen! If I'm honest I now feel like I have a foot in two different worlds, existences that are so separate and I feel equally tied to, I can't let go of either and so I belong in neither.
I can't help but feel that even though I'm torn in two right now I am so lucky. This time last year I was looking at mortgages and therefore tying myself to a future grounded and a job I wasn't meant for. I was clipping my own wings simply because I saw those around me settling down and figured I should 'grow up' and do the same. I am so priveleged to have had my life turned around and my horizons broadened - even now as I'm terrified by what lies ahead I feel so blessed just because I have options and possibilities that simply hadn't occured to me before, I was too short-sighted to see my own potential.
And then the simple facts stand, even if I dont go into the details of how I feel I've been given a new path in life, I'm so blessed simply because I have a (relatively sane!) family to support me, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, and even if I can't find work, like the millions of people out of a job at the moment, I live in a country where systems are in place to ensure I will never die of a curable disease, I can claim money to help me survive, and where everyone is entitled to an education. It is now election year in the UK, so politicians are everywhere hurling insults at their rivals, putting forward their 'amazing' initiatives to fix the country. There's no denying that the global economy is in a sorry state, but I can't help but feel that whoever wins in May, whether they are focusing on the NHS or education, people in the UK will survive and thrive, which is more than can be said for a lot of people out there.
I can't help but feel that even though I'm torn in two right now I am so lucky. This time last year I was looking at mortgages and therefore tying myself to a future grounded and a job I wasn't meant for. I was clipping my own wings simply because I saw those around me settling down and figured I should 'grow up' and do the same. I am so priveleged to have had my life turned around and my horizons broadened - even now as I'm terrified by what lies ahead I feel so blessed just because I have options and possibilities that simply hadn't occured to me before, I was too short-sighted to see my own potential.
And then the simple facts stand, even if I dont go into the details of how I feel I've been given a new path in life, I'm so blessed simply because I have a (relatively sane!) family to support me, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, and even if I can't find work, like the millions of people out of a job at the moment, I live in a country where systems are in place to ensure I will never die of a curable disease, I can claim money to help me survive, and where everyone is entitled to an education. It is now election year in the UK, so politicians are everywhere hurling insults at their rivals, putting forward their 'amazing' initiatives to fix the country. There's no denying that the global economy is in a sorry state, but I can't help but feel that whoever wins in May, whether they are focusing on the NHS or education, people in the UK will survive and thrive, which is more than can be said for a lot of people out there.
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