I haven't written on here in such a long time. I think I was filtering too much and although I had lots of thoughts which were probably blog-worthy (mostly on the bible, always good for creating thoughts that one!), I resisted putting anything down. I didn't want to sound too self-centred I think, but then today I've realised that of course it has to be a bit self-centred, this is a personal blog containing my thoughts so it kind of has to be about me!
Anyway, today I was reading The Shack by WM Paul Young for the first time and a revelation hit me about what's been going on in my life/head in the last few months. That book should come with a disclaimer!! in a good way I mean. It's fantastic and it's really opened my eyes, and I'm only up to chapter 7. I'm a counsellor and so I'm trained to be self-aware and introspective but God just really hit me with a whammy of clarity I wasn't expecting this morning. I started to weep (a sure sign that the Holy Spirit has touched me, as many of you know!) in an overwhelming mixture of relief, understanding, a little sorrow but also joy, praise and thanksgiving, and with my thoughts racing I picked up a pen to makes sense of it all and this is what came out:
God has given me a big heart full of love and right now I'm hurting because I'm not using it. For whatever reason I have begun to shut down recently and a lot of friendships and relationships that were so close and dear have felt superficial and shallow, even business-like. My compassion and caring has largely given way to a self-centred, self-preserving attitude and I can't begin to fathom why/how I've let this happen.
I'm trying to examine the past and I've realised that I've always been afraid to openly love (especially to my full capacity) for fear of being hurt, although internally I love easily and 'care too much'. I've labelled it 'fear of rejection' but today God has given me clarity to see that ultimately it comes down to having so much love that it can't be returned in equal proportion, because love is my gift, and others have theirs. It is hard, feeling unbalanced in relationship with those around you, and it has led to some feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy within me - "Why do I love them so much more than they love me?!"
I suppose this is how I have gradually, subconsciously come to distance myself in the last few months, for whatever reason a kind of numbness has crept in, and in doing so have not only removed myself from intimacy with those around me, but from God too. This 'self-preservation' comes from a place of fear and hurt, and as usually happens with these things, it has only perpetuated that state. The isolation I have built up around myself is not my natural state of being and so has only caused confusion, frustration and loneliness within me, because God built me to love.
He built me to love. Just as he put aspects of himself in each of us. The love I have for those around me is not unrequited, I know they care for me, I know I'm not un-lovable, but somehow with most people it doesn't seem to be to the same extent. This sounds negative, and I've felt it this way, but it really isn't. I have learnt something incredible today and if I can continue to believe in it and live by it I have a sense that I will be able to accept myself better, feel more comfortable in my own skin. Essentially I need to be brave and love recklessly, in the full knowledge that it may not be understood, accepted or returned, but do it anyhow!
My apologies if this makes sense to only me and 'Papa' (read the book!), but I had the strong sense that this needed to be shared. Please forgive me if you've felt I haven't really been open with/around for you, and pray for me as I try to break down a few personal walls! I'm hoping this revelation today will stay with me and strengthen my self-confidence and my relationship with God, as I attempt to return (and keep close!) to Him. I have a feeling this is a turning point but the next part is not going to be easy, not just in my walk with God but in finding the courage to let all that love pour out again! So please pray lots and in turn allow me to pray for whatever is going on in your lives too.
With LOVE(!) ~ J
