All I want for Christmas is......

..... a purpose in life???!


As Christmas approaches so too does my departure date and return to the UK just in time to celebrate a New Year. I find myself completely torn between two worlds and searching for answers that just aren't coming clear - where'e that big ol' neon sign when you need it eh?
I have come to realise that I'm not really ready for a long-term life out here just yet. Although it is everything I want, I don't have a particular purpose or talent which would warrant me staying here. All the minor practical skills I put to use back home such as computing, gardening, bodging the DIY etc pale in comparison to the abilities of those already here, and as for having a team role there just isn't a gap for a part-qualified psychotherapist with little experience of childcare and only a few short phrases of Afrikaans or Xhosa to her name! It takes more than a walking, talking driving license to really benefit this place.

It is hard for me to accept, but I cannot be selfish and keep coming back here, potentially taking the place of another who could give so much more, just because it makes me happy. I love this place, these kids (and adults!) dearly, but sometimes that's just not enough. I'm reminded of the story of the two women who both claimed they were mother to the same infant. In order to determine who was the true parent, the king demanded that whichever woman could pull the child out of a ring first would win. When the contest began, and the women started to struggle over the baby, it started to cry and one of them let go. She would rather see her child cared for by another than see it suffer - she was the true mother, and so was given her child back by the king. Perhaps the old saying 'If you love something let it go' is very apt here - I need to learn to let go of being here working for the charity and instead find something I can do from the UK which will be of more help.

Ever since I first heard of the work of Thembalitsha years ago I've felt this pull, this calling to help. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before and though I felt from the beginning that I was meant to go and do something in person I rationalised that that was just impulsive and foolish, that realistically all I could do was help fundraise from the UK. I now know I simply wasnt brave enough to take that step into the unknown and follow my heart, and although this year I was finally able to do that, and my time here has made me even more hungry for this life and determined to make positive changes in the lives of the people of Grabouw, I somehow fear I have missed my chance. I think I've spoken before about the sermon we had at Elgin United a while back where the pastor spoke about the Israelites spending 40years in the desert because they doubted, held back, and therefore missed their chance at the promised land. I can't help but feel that though God has given me such a heart and such desire for the work of Thembalitsha, because I did not trust in Him or in myself, because I delayed and doubted, I missed a certain path and now I have a long wait ahead of me, a harder road to follow in order to return here again.

This leaves me confused over what to do when I return to the UK, as my drive and determination to go back to college in January have faded as a result of the life I've found here. I am questioning everything and sadly finding no concrete answers. So yeah, I suppose for Christmas this year I'll be asking for courage, strength and clarity! :)

Feeling thankful for my faith

Since my previous brief run-down of life at VoH one of the boys who has lived in the unit since almost the very beginning (he was the 5th child placed here) has left us to go back and live with his family in the Eastern Cape. Of course this is fantastic for him and it is what we hope for all of the kids here, but we all miss him terribly. I am so happy for him that he is where he belongs, with loving family that are so capable of taking care of him and each other, but also feeling self-centered and very sorry for myself - I know you're not supposed to have favourites but I did have a particular soft spot for little O, and though we knew he'd be leaving his family came to collect him while we were all out helping at a local community day so it was a shock to learn he had gone. Going into his room and seeing the little name labels on his shelves and above his bed today really struck me and I truly felt that I was grieving for him, mourning the loss of him. It sounds silly and like I said, selfish, but the knowledge that he is so far away and that I am highly unlikely to ever see him again hurt me.

I was releived however, to remember an image that popped into my head in church a while back. I can't for the life of me remember what the sermon was on, or what bible verse was read, (I so wish I could!) but I was thinking about one of the kids from the townships, Jack Lee, and wondering what his future would hold, and hoping through some twist of fate I would get to see what kind of man he will become. Dwelling on this, I had this image of a banqueting table laden with food, like the kind you see in films set in ancient Greece or medieval England, where they have a real feast and everyone has a place around this long table. This could be linked in with what was being said as part of the sermon, I can't remember, but anyway, Jack Lee was standing on the other side of this table grinning at me (a sight not often seen!). And I just had this sort of revelation that it doesn't actually really matter if I see him again in this life, because I will see him in the next life, in God's kingdom, or at least I will have the knowledge of what happened to him, if he was happy. Now I am no great theologist, and I'm not about to start arguing the theories of the afterlife and heaven etc, but this sudden thought that occurred to me gave me great comfort, and it still does when I think of O, or the other children here, or anyone else I care for for that matter. I know enough to say that our dreams are not always achieved, we do not always find what we think we want or need, (including miraculous reunions!) but I find strength in the thought that even if I am never able to return to Grabouw again, it will not be the end of the bonds I have made here. Not for the first time I am grateful for my faith and how it allows me to stare into the unknown and find comfort rather than fear.

Officially the worst blogger ever!!!!

My apologies to those of you who have noticed the absense of blog posts, it is so easy to carry on with the busy day-to-day life and let these things slide! Each day is so busy and full of challenges both mental and physical that I find it hard to document the goings on without writing a novel! Plus without a particular inspiration to start with (as in previous entries) it's much easier to just let time pass and collapse into bed each night without attempting a post.

Anyway, excuses excuses! In short, life here is good. I have been doing the school run each day with our 3 eldest boys, and more recently including a previous resident of VoH, a 7 year old girl. It is never dull, quite apart from the kids picking the music and boogying along on the journey, there are usually a few extra pick-ups / errands added so every day is different! I also do a morning activity with the rest of the children at the unit (such as finger painting and song and dance time) along with my fellow volunteer and room-mate Fran. She arrived just over a month ago and we've become good friends, which is bloomin lucky considering most days our schedules are almost identical! So anyway, combine the mornings taking care of the children here with the big weekly shop for the unit, afternoon kids club on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and you've got a pretty packed week!

Of course this goes nowhere near explaining all the intricacies of working for a charity like Thembalitsha, or in a place like Village of Hope. There are ongoing issues with the children's medication, with their behaviour, trying to place them back with their families and for those who have already left we continue to monitor how they are doing back at home. Obviously I can't go into any detail without breaching confidentiality, plus I'd be here forever if I wanted to do it any justice and then I'd never get any work done! And anyway, that's just the children. The future of the Village of Hope will hopefully include projects which will benefit local youths and adults too, such as agricultural training, alcohol and drug rehabilitation - the dreams and visions of those who live and work here could expand this centre into a real beacon for Grabouw. It's just that pesky thing called funding, and the support of the local government, businesses and other NGO's that are needed to push things forward. Suffice to say it's complicated, and while I would love to delve deeper and understand more about how things run here (both in terms of the municipality and the inner workings of the charity) I know that my place is to do the more basic essential day-to-day jobs so that those already in the know can spend their time on more important matters. Besides, as they say, 'This is Africa', and as soon as you think you've solved one puzzle, the rules change, the goalposts move and although you may not be back to square one, you know you're not really on solid ground either.

P.S - Oh and some people have asked about the nickname 'Bandit' - it doesn't mean I've resorted to a life of crime to help fund VoH! I've simply had lots of fun helping with the wood chipping, and helping Arry fix the chainsaw, so between the old scar on my cheek and the chippers brand name 'Brush Bandit', the boys have come up with the latest new name for me :)

Rain, rain go away...

No matter where you go in the world you can always talk about the weather. It's a nice safe subject, I wonder how many awkward silences have been avoided by a quick discussion on the chances of rain or sun? :)

Well, I've come to South Africa for the Spring/Summer season, but despite pleasant weather on the whole, we have had a couple of days where it has absolutely tipped it down, yesterday being one. Back home this would be, well, pretty much expected really, British summer and all that, but at worst it would be an inconvenience and you'd have to remember your brolly and raincoat to go out. Here when it rains like this for the people in townships it means stay inside. No kids clubs or soccer clubs run by us, because if the kids get wet, they stay wet and run the risk of getting ill. Think about it - no radiators to dry your clothes or warm you up, no hot shower (or running water generally!) to get warm or clean off mud. So unless it's essential to go out, you don't.

Remember the outrage in England earlier this year when the country pretty much shut down for a few days because it was snowing and there wasn't enough grit for the roads? I know it's not the same thing but imagine not being able to leave the house every time it downpours, and without any heating to keep you comfortable, or TV etc to keep you or the kids occupied. I don't want to sound like a cliche but seriously we do take so much for granted, and then love to moan when the slightest thing goes wrong! Here I find myself surrounded by people who have so little and appreciate every blessing they have, and I feel blessed to know them.

One of my favourite Christian songs is by man and wife band Alex and Jenny Legg called Shadow of the Cross. It speaks of the different perspectives taken by those living with and without faith, and tends to pop into my head on rainy days because of one line in particular...

"When it rains, you see another stormy day. When it rains, I see the power that rolled the stone away"

All I can say is I want to see more of that power here on Earth raining down and washing over peoples lives, fixing all the breaks and problems which seem so big and so set in stone at times. Talk about the big prayers hey? But if you don't ask you don't get! :)

Part of the Family

At the moment I’m reading “Letters to Malcolm Chiefly on Prayer” by C.S.Lewis. Having read the entire series of Narnia books recently (I had never read them all before and I recommend it to anyone – they speak to people of all ages!) I decided to stick with the same author to see how he wrote outside of fiction.

Admittedly I find some of his ideas a bit hard to grasp – for one thing he was a professor of English at Cambridge, and also these letters were published after his death in 1963, and presumably written quite some time before that, so not exactly using modern-day or easy to understand language! Having said that, a lot of the discussion (all be it only one side of a conversation, we don’t get to read Malcolm’s replies) is very relevant to today’s churches, of course prayer, and just life in general.

Something Lewis said in the last letter I read really spoke to me, and I’m still not entirely sure why, whether it’s message is for me or others. In debating whether prayer is better from your own mind, from written prayer/books or both he said:

“It takes all sorts to make a world; or a church. This may be even truer of a church. If grace perfects nature it must expand all our natures into the full richness of the diversity which God intended when He made them, and heaven will display far more variety than hell. ‘One fold’ doesn’t mean ‘one pool’. ”

This I do understand. A few years ago I was one of many of my congregation who were asked to speak about CGS at it’s 50^th anniversary celebrations. I spoke about growing up in the church etc, certain events that impacted on me personally, but there was one thing in particular that always sticks with me and I think defines our church absolutely. I spoke of how I love my church not because of the service structure, worship etc, but because we are a family. We care for each other, we love each other. We don’t always agree or get on, and it’s not always easy to live in harmony, but that’s what family life is like. We are Christian, but we’re human! :)

The more time passes here at VoH, the more I feel this same family atmosphere, although obviously in a completely different environment! We all have our different strengths, gifts and ideas to bring to the table, which isn’t always easy, but as Lewis so wisely observed, it is just as God intended! We are a strong team because of our diversity, and though I may not yet have a specific role, this thought is a comfort to me. Ok, so I’m not as confident as others or as capable in the same roles, but maybe that just means there’s another space somewhere in this team that’s Jess-shaped!

Whatever the case, I am finding my way here, doing the school run for our three eldest boys every morning, and I took one of the younger boys to the doctor (my first time!) this week. Poor K’s rash turned out to be chicken pox so I may have many more visits to the day hospital – as much as I want to get my head round the routines etc, I pray the rest of our kids don’t get it! I’m also involved in the kids clubs that run every week on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons for the township children, and I’m slowly expanding my Afrikaans vocab :)

So in short all is well and although I miss my family back home (in all it’s forms!) I am feeling more and more a part of another family branch out here.

Kids, Pigs, Ups and Downs

Unfortunately my second week at VoH did not start well, with me feeling a bit rubbish mentally, which made me really miss home for the first time, and feeling a bit of a loner (not that I was ever really alone, with the constant company of the VoH team, the kids here and at the clubs, and of course all the furry companions!) Anyway, having had texts from both best friend and sister arrive on my mob I felt better and more resolved to soldier through :)


Monday was the first holiday kids club for the township kids, and we spoke about the importance of health (The body is a temple etc), played some games and began to make the papier mache pigs - MESSY!!! :) Still, the kids really enjoyed themselves which is what it's all about, and I was reminded of all the funky dance moves to the praise songs I learnt last time and made a fool of myself joining in!
Tuesday was Maz's birthday so after a normal (what's that?!) working day (I was with the kids and starting off doing admin-y stuff for the unit) we all piled in the cars and headed down to Gordon's Bay for a walk along the beach and some fish and chips at Trawlers. The wind meant we got a bit whipped by sand but I thoroughly enjoyed having a paddle in the sea, and despite various cold/throat bugs in the team I think we all had a good time for Maz's birthday and Andy and Josh's last night.
Wednesday was another messy one as we put trotters and noses on the pigs (egg cartons) and did some major reconstructive surgery on some pigs where the kids hadn't quite got the idea on Monday. Andy and Josh left about halfway through kids club which was good as there was no big goodbyes or anything and it was straight onto the next task! Lisa, Daz and Seth were house-sitting in Somerset West all this week so I had the volunteer's accommodation to myself which was nice for a chilled out evening, but Tim and Maz made sure I wasn't alone and invited me to tea again which was lovely.
Thursday I was in the kids unit all day as they were short-staffed due to all the bugs going round at the moment, so that was fun but knackering! I love our kids so much but find it hard when there's so many people wanting love and hugs and a space on my lap, and I only have so many arms and legs! :)
Friday was the final holiday kids club where we painted the pigs and those whose had collapsed or who hadn't made a pig got to make newspaper pirate hats with me and paint them instead. The talk was on the environment and looking after God's world so I'd also been roped in to do a puzzle (there's always a competition between a boys team and girls team) which I think went quite well. Our eldest boy here, R (who took and is in my Facebook pic, for those of you that can have a look) came along to the kids clubs and loved making his pig and hanging out with all his school friends there, I will put up some photos soon so you can see him and his pig, and me wearing a very fetching newspaper hat :) Friday afternoon I took another of our boys, K, to his foster mum's house for the weekend. He is the sweetest little thing, with chubby little cheeks which I'm glad to say have stayed despite the fact that his tummy has slimmed down since I was here before. That all went smoothly thank goodness, as I had to explain about his meds for the weekend etc (again if I could just have a babelfish to speak Afrikaans/Xhosa it would be wonderful!) and then I went to run some errands including getting a film to watch that night. Now admittedly getting 30 Days of Night - a creepy film about murdering strangers coming to a small town and picking off the inhabitants - maybe wasn't the wisest choice given that I was home alone, but never mind, the strangers turned out to be vampires so it wasn't too steeped in reality and I just double checked I'd locked the doors when I went to bed! :)

The weekend was gorgeously sunny and hot so while Arry played cricket Tim, Maz and I took our three eldest boys to the beach on Saturday morning. It hadn't occurred to me that they'd probably never seen the sea or felt sand before, and it was a privilege to be there for this first for A & M. Poor A found it all very overwhelming, but gradually he let go of Maz and me, got used to the new environment, and by the end of the morning he was splashing in the waves with the others and making friends with the man selling ice lollies! As for me, it was such a joy to experience the beach through these little boys - why does it always seem that as time goes by we forget how much fun it was to do things like jump over a big wave, or build a sand castle?!

Sunday morning we had or first guest speaker as the Elgin United pastor is away in Ballymoney, N.Ireland (not Co.Wexford sadly) for three weeks. He spoke (with an amazingly deep, powerful voice - like Mufasa) on the adventure of following God, and how it takes trust and courage to do so, how we can't be 'In a rut without a gut' - if we don't take a leap of faith sometimes we can miss out on amazing rewards, like Moses and the Israelites who could've got to the promised land in 11days, but instead they doubted God's protection over them and it took them 40years! (Deuternomy) It definitely spoke to us, as the Walkers, and to a lesser extent me, have chosen to follow a calling, and in doing so have given up the securities of steady jobs, family, friends etc. But as my return to Grabouw must show, the rewards far outweigh the challenges, and never fear, one leap of faith does not mean we're done, you can't get complacent on an adventure! :)

Due to the glorious weather we had the first braii of the season for lunch (yum!) and then Maz and I went for a lovely long walk with the dogs through the surrounding hills which felt very cleansing for body and soul! Gazing across Grabouw on an amazing blue-sky day is both uplifting and sobering - such natural beauty in one direction, and in another such hardship and problems looking to be solved. Too much for a human of little brain like me to take in really!

The adventure begins.....

I can't believe it's been over a week since I arrived here in SA, truly the time has flown by! So far it's been completely different to the last time I was here in May. The last trip was like a taster, rushing around trying to fit everything into two weeks and so now it feels odd not to be running around quite so much and to actually take my time to get used to things.

It's been a bit of a difficult start as I sooo want to be useful and active but I tend to lack the confidence to push myself forward, so without being handed a task I sometimes end up feeling like a lemon when I'm not quite sure what to do and if / where I can help. I am in awe of those who seem so capable and can jump into anything not worrying if they're doing the wrong thing or getting in the way! Suffice to say I'm not quite sure what my purpose is here yet, but I dont doubt for a second that I'm meant to be here, and that in time God will show me where my focus should be, and where my talents are best suited. In the mean time I'm happy to do the running around and helping out where I can, and I have faith that I will find my feet and my confidence!

Ok so a quick run down of my time here so far... I'll try to keep it the shorter side of a novel! I arrived Monday morning (21st) and breezed through passport control (not even a hint of a mention about a Visa!) and Tim collected me from the airport. It was great to drive down the familiar roads and of course as soon as I got to VoH it was hugs all round and I went straight in to see the kids in the unit as soon as possible. It is amazing to see how they have changed just in the few months I've been away. A few are now attending school (and look very grown up marching off with their backpacks in the morning!) and the others have all changed a little too, whether it be getting taller, slimmer, or even more rotund in some cases! :) It was a great relief to see my little man A, who was gravely ill in hospital about a month ago, and who we all feared wouldnt pull through. He was happy and clappy as ever though, and although I cant be sure if he recognised me (probably not!) I still got a massive hug - it's just his nature to be so friendly and seeking everyone's attention. My favourite girl from last time - N (she was the only girl then so it's fair!) is very healthy and happy. She's had the tube removed from her stomach as she can now eat and drink without assistance and is looking beautiful with her hair in little pom pom bunches all over her head :)

The rest of Monday was spent settling in and running a few errands before joining Tim, Maz and Arry for supper which was a lovely welcome. Tuesday was basically spent in the baby unit supporting the house mums and getting to know the new little people who have been placed here since I left in June - I will say more about them in future blogs or I really will be here forever! Two more volunteers, father and son Andy and Josh arrived from the UK on Tuesday morning so they were shown round and then in the evening we all went to Dros for a welcome meal. Andy is on the Thembalitsha UK board and Josh is in his final year at Uni studying politics so they were both keen to see the work that goes on here and the background / problems involved.

Unfortunately on Wednesday I was ill as I'd been caring for one of the kids the night before who was running a temperature and it seems I caught his bug. So essentially I quarantined myself and Weds is therefore news-less :)
Thursday was a public holiday in SA so we decided to go down the coast to Hermanus and do some whale watching. Andy didnt come as unfortunately he was now feeling unwell :/ but Tim, Maz, Arry, Josh and I had a great day. We avoided the crowds in the main town and went a little further down to park up and walk down to the sea - best decision ever made! We spotted some whales out to sea and down to our left and were happy to see they seemed to be slowly heading towards us. This was impressive enough, as we could clearly see the shapes and the spurts from the headland, but when Josh, Arry and I went clambering over the rocks to get closer to the water's edge, we were in for an incredible sight. A mother whale and her baby started to head into the bay and then changed course when they realised their mistake, so dived down and surfaced not 15metres in front of us! It's times like that that I wish I had a better camera, but I dont think anything could've truly captured the moment - A-MAZ-ING!!

On Friday I attended a meeting with Tim where local NGO's were arranging what they would do to run clubs / events for the children of Grabouw during the summer (Christmas) holidays, and so I was then able to help out by drawing up our proposals for various sports events and submitting these to gain funding. We also had a planning meeting to organise the kids clubs that are running this week (Mon, Weds & Fri) which essentially involved an outline of the schedule for each day, some discussion on how best to make papier mache pigs, and listing various games the kids could play like Dodgeball or What's the time Mr Wolf? I was volunteered to do a game / puzzle centred on Friday's bible verse which Sandra (the kids club leader) insists I not just organise but explain to the kids (I dont speak Afrikaans! eek!) so that should be fun - mucho translation needed me thinks :)

Saturday we all went to Franschoek to do some wine tasting and were blessed with amazing views over the valley - we beat the cloud and rain just in time! It was lovely to enjoy each others company (and the wine of course!) and I think one of my lasting memories of this trip will be singing Trondor's Greatest Hits on the way and then back again! Trondor is a Norwegian volunteer who is here with his wife Greta and son Trim, and he has gained a sort of superstar quality with us, resulting is such hits as Once, Twice, Three times a Trondor, Trondorian Rhapsody, and so on and so forth. It's one of those 'you have to be there' things, but none the less it kept us giggling the whole day, and most of that before we'd even touched the booze!

Sunday we went to church at Elgin United, where Tim and Maz now regularly attend. I was a little concerned to hear Tim say that it reminded him of my church back home (CGS), and I can see some similarities that are good, and some that make me cringe. It is always interesting to see something from an outsiders perspective! The congregation were very welcoming (good similarity!) and we had a pleasant chat with a few people over a cuppa after the service. The afternoon was spent worshipping an entirely different religion - the gods of grand prix and cricket at the altar of Dros. Having put the boy racer ex behind me, I had forgotten that I actually quite enjoy the grand prix, and after cheering on Hamilton and Button I attempted to channel my Grandma and get into the cricket. I have never really had the scoring explained to me which is more than a slight disadvantage, but I was happy enough to cheer on my country with the boys - even if it meant that one of the regulars, having flattered me and compared me to Sinead O'Connor then decided I was Connor O'Sinead when I supported the poms! New boy nickname aside it was a fun afternoon / evening, and having come back to the farm and a delicious dinner prepared by Maz, we were all happy to collapse and keep updated on the score via the web (England won btw, woo hoo!).

I think that's gonna have to be it for now Jessy fans, my babes are gonna be waking up from their afternoon nap soon and I must stop hogging the computer! I promise to do this weeks update asap, and hopefully more often in future so they come in more bitesize chunks! But in summary, rest assured all is well here and I'm loving my trip so far. Love you all x x J x x

Miniature Disasters and Minor Catastrophies...

This time two weeks ago I was on my way to New Wine Christian Conference in Shepton Mallett, Somerset with my friend Emma who I met when we were both out in SA. I spent two days there soaking up the Word of God, being encouraged to step out in faith and learning ideas and philosophies that were new to me and oh so relevant to my life. I had previously planned to meet up with my family in Co. Wexford that weekend, so I had to leave early and get the train to Luton airport and fly to Waterford, and Emma very kindly agreed to take me to the station. Unfortunately when the time came to leave we spent so long saying our goodbyes (we didnt really want to leave our beloved VoH friends!) that I ended up missing the train by about 90seconds. Naturally I was then madly panicking about how I was going to make it to Luton in time to catch my flight. Emma had previously offered to drive me to the airport instead of taking the train, so that's what we did. Once I'd calmed down and got the route sorted etc I felt a bit more philosophical about the whole thing and decided if it was meant to be I would get the plane and if not then I wouldnt.

To cut an already rambling story short I made it to the check-in desk about 15mins late but it worked out ok and I got to Ireland safely to meet with my family (Phew!). I warned them about the dilemna via text earlier but on arrival was able to explain exactly what had happened as we drove out of the airport. I finished by saying that I think God wanted me and Em to travel together, as it was complicated to get out of Somerset and back on the motorway so she needed a navigator, and also she was quite drowsy at one point so it was good I was there to chat and sing with her and keep her awake as she drove :) My sister responded with something along the lines of "I dont think God made you miss the train Jess, you could've done that by yourself you know, not absolutely everything is mapped out by God - free will and all that?!"
I have to admit this left me a little deflated, and then a bit hacked off, and then back to the good old defiance! :)

One of the lessons I took away from New Wine was that being a Christian is not always about what you do, it's about who you are. It's about letting God permeate every aspect of your life, living for Him in everything you do, not just the big stuff. And surely it works both ways?? God doesn't just guide us in the big life-changing decisions and events, he's there every step of the way, loving us and supporting us. We cant know what little changes we make or little events which happen to us will impact greatly on our path in life or the lives of others (Think Sliding Doors and Benjamin Button!) and we cant know where and when God's hand is guiding, we are not party to the big plan for our lives - Jeremiah 29:11.
Ok, so maybe me missing my train had nothing to do with the Big Man Upstairs, maybe it was simply human error, but surely the important thing is that Emma and I were willing to believe that he could've had a hand in it, that he might want to be involved in the 'little stuff'.
We are always told that God is The Father, that he loves us like a parent, unconditionally. So why is it so hard to believe that God might be there for the finger painting as well as the PhD? Wouldn't a parent soothe you when you graze your knee or bang your head, not just be there to hold your hand for a serious operation? One of my favourite phrases is 'God is in the details', and I am constantly amazed by how true this is. I mean, even if we forget humans and the capacity he must have to watch over and care for us all, he makes every snowflake and leaf individual! We may never truly grasp how incredible our Lord is, or understand why it is that he delights in us, but we must never underestimate the reach of His love .

I'll never know whether He was influencing what happened that day, but I do know that together Em and I muddled through Somerset and both got to our destinations safely (and on time!), and enjoyed the journey along the way, so miniature disasters do sometimes have happy endings :)

Dreams, Bad Days and Memories

Today was destined to be a bad day. Waking up from a dream where I’ve stormed off from a stupid argument with one of my best friends and then end up caring for a sick child who’s lost her mother. Stuck in roadworks and then realising I’m in the red on the fuel gauge, so stopping for petrol makes me late for work, which then drags like the slowest lamest donkey plodding across a scorching hot desert. Except it’s not hot at work, it’s freezing cold because the air con is on full blast despite the fact that the office temperature is fine without. It’s July and yet it’s pleasant outside, when it’s not raining like a monsoon of course. We had a brief break from monotony when a thunderstorm was right on top of us at about half twelve, the windows shook and all the computers and lights went off momentarily, and then it was back to the trudge of the afore-mentioned mule.
The killer is I’m just biding my time here. I’m handing in my notice in a couple of weeks, and I am counting down the days!! It seems to make the days go slower, the afternoons are definitely longer. I’ve started deleting files and wrapping things up already, but without telling anyone of course – trying to make myself feel like I’m really heading towards that glorious day when I leave the office for the last time.

The best thing today was when my phone miraculously hag signal for 30secs this afternoon and a text from my best friend came through. All it included was the lyrics from a Kelly Clarkson song: “You got a piece of me, and honestly, MY LIFE. WOULD SUCK. WITHOUT YOU!!! I laughed out loud as I was immediately taken back to a sunny Sunday morning at the beginning of May when four of us were driving through the countryside, heading back home after a brilliant night out for a friend’s birthday the evening before. The song came on the radio and we were all singing along until Milly and I caught each others eye and starting singing the lyrics to each other in a ‘jokey but actually full of truth’ moment. We were laughing uncontrollably for a while as the others in the front wondered what the hell had got into us.
It’s moments like this that puncture the everyday boredom to lift your spirit and make everything seem that bit more bearable. In the grand scheme of things of course my bad day is nothing, it’s just a long line of irritations that don’t really matter. But if these little negatives can make the good moments seem that much more precious, then they are precious in their own way too.
I find myself thinking about memories and how powerful they are. The warm fuzzy feeling I still have from that lovely silly text which transported me back to such a happy moment. The new perfume I tried out yesterday that sent shivers through me with an old, familiar scent, though I still can’t place it. I’m not a rose-tinted glasses kind of girl, I like to remember things exactly how they were and I always include the bad with the good in my scrapbook style photo albums – how else can we learn and grow? But there are certain memories which will always touch my soul. Moments that were so full of joy and laughter and love and excitement that they almost become bittersweet because they cannot be revisited, only recalled.

I Was Very Childish Today

I find myself being more defiant and righteous these days than ever before. Today I was in a well-known high street book store looking in the section on religion for a book a friend had recommended to me. On the top shelf stood a book with the title 'God is NOT great', and I immediately felt a surge of anger and indignation, similar to how I feel when protecting a friend from slander or injustice of some kind. And that's exactly how it is, thinking about it now - my God, my friend, being rebuked and slandered (if it's not a word, I'm making it one) made me see red. My exact thought was 'Isn't there enough negativity in the world?! Don't we have enough to battle without this anti-religion diatribe?!' I considered buying the book and tearing it up, or having a mini bonfire with it, but I have firm beliefs on the sanctity of the written word, so I did something very childish. I took down the book, browsed the back page and put it back on the shelf with the spine the wrong way so the title could not be read. Silly I know, and not doing any good in the long run, but my small anarchic act made me feel better for five minutes anyhow.

On my return from SA recently I was having a conversation with a friend about the Grabouw settlements and what it was like to walk through them and meet the people who live there. I described how local witch doctors record curses on cassette tape and then place the tape around certain houses or through the settlements to put these curses on others. We were asked to destroy this tape in God's name where we found it, if we felt comfortable to do so. I kept an eagle eye out and felt righteous anger each time I destroyed the tape I found, even more so when T suddenly got a terrible headache, which I have no doubt was spiritually brought on.
My friend asked me what right we had to destroy the tape, and interupt with our religious beliefs the beliefs and customs of others. At the time I think I made good arguments, although I didnt manage to convince my friend that we had done the right thing (though I doubt that would ever be possible, but that's another story). I wish I had found the right words to explain, and it has bothered me since then. I should've said: Why shouldn't we defend ourselves against people trying to hurt us? If I or someone I was trying to help was attacked with a physical weapon, people would think I was crazy if I didnt try to defend myself.
I have realised my friend could not take this view automatically, as to him the curses are not real, he does not believe in God or any other spiritual beings, and so sees these matters from a detached perspective, where I was damaging someone elses property, not protecting myself from harm against evil thoughts and energies.

Nevertheless I rejoice in each tiny positive step in my Father's name, (even if really it was only to make me feel better). I am not a natural evangelist but I am open and honest about my faith, and welcome discussions and questions from my friends. I honestly don't know how others survive without the comfort and strength that I find in my relationship with God. In the past I have found it hard to understand how we are supposed to love God above all others, when I have so much love for those around me, until recently when I really opened up to my faith and realised I am now willing to follow God's plan for me, even if it means disappointing those I care for, or drawing away from them. My sister put it beautifully when she said "When you lose loved ones, you grieve but you find a way, you find the strength to carry on. If you lost God, you would be absolutely lost, and life would lose all meaning".